My Life Is Different From Yours

2009-10-29T09:25:00.002+08:00

My life juz feels so empty now. frens juz come and go. its juz so hard to fill my life with something. anything >.<...

2009-06-15T16:24:00.002+08:00

wad was i thinking...things are nvr gonna change...each time im always finding another way to bring myself up, onli to find a pitfall that leads me lower than b4...im always the one left behind broken...n its juz the way it is. so mani questions, so little answers... life always have to be that way i guess...this is the beauty of the system of life...its wonderful in some ways, horrible in others...sometimes i see the horrible side so much that i wanna live like like other ppl...to be able to live life again, to see the different views in ppl that make up Life itself...maybe its another question that can nvr be answered...life was nvr meant to be fair after all...

2009-02-02T17:45:00.000+08:00

31 January 2009

I have finally figured everything out. All my life I kept thinking
there was a pattern to Life, hoping to fit in. But I get it all now. I
was looking at the big picture that I lost sight of those around me.
Why look for where I fit in? After all, not everyone fits in society.
Its through making making your own reality that you fit in. If I had
just looked around, there is everything I needed: my friends, my
family. Isn't that what that matters? My life is complete. The system
of life is perhaps too complicated for our human minds to understand,
but I've found my meaning. Its the people around me who make me who I
am, and it is the people around me who can understand. Things will get
better for me from here, although some things will never change. If I
now treasure my friends, I'll never be alone. My life will never be
perfect, but it is complete. This world can't remove its weaknesses,
but that's what acceptance is. I've learnt to accept this reality, for
there is no second chance. If this is my reality, if this is my life,
so be it. This is the turning point of my life. This is another page,
another chapter. A new leaf turned, a new start. I am different, but
then again, everyone is different. This is my reality. This is my Life.

Find me at my new blog, http://www.theturningpoint-anewbeginning.blogspot.com

2009-01-28T18:24:00.000+08:00

i noe im probably veri bad...but i juz like deceiving ppl every now
and then, but juz for fun...i think its bcoz of the way i was deceived
all my life...deceived my the ppl around me, and even me deceiving
myself that i was juz like other ppl and that i had less frens bcoz i
was antisocial...but when i slowly understood more ppl and their
thoughts...i felt more different, and i had to deceive myself
more...juz to feel like i belong...but when ppl started asking me "y u
so emo" and "y u think so differently"...i knew it wasnt juz
me...there were so mani facts that showed that i think differently,
and it was no longer possible to deceive myself...it made me felt so
alone...i think thats wad drove me to write this blog...to share my
feelings, and to find ppl to understand, and to try to help me...and
with the small hope of finding someone out there who thinks like
me...to have some one wgo neither leads nor follows...who will juz
walk by my side as we slowly figure out this meaning to
everything...for there are scientists to figure out the world around
us, but there are nobody to figure out the system and meaning to it
all...maybe its bcoz life is too short to figure out everything...and
there is no way to pass tis information on...its juz so sad and ironic
everything seems...

2009-01-26T08:24:00.001+08:00

yesterday (sunday 25/1/2009), my father wanted me to take his previous
laptop bcoz it was good (better than the one that they wanted to buy),
but i actually would prefer the newer one, rather than his big
laptop...its bcoz it would be nice to reali (and finally) have some
electronic stuff that is new...the last time i had 1 it was my
previous phone, gotten on my 13th birthday, at pizza hut in ang mo kio
central (my memory seldom fails me...i even remember my parents
pretending it wasnt a phone in that box...lolz)...but now im using my
father's iphone again...im juz such a failure...im not an optimist,
but a pessimist...and the worst i could imagine was that my father
would buy a cheaper laptop, but at least 1 that was good enough by his
judgement...i guess im so terrible i cant even imagine the worst : a
second hand laptop...*sigh*...nvm if any1 asks i'll say its new...more
deception, but wad else can i do...i can imagine the guys saying
"FAIL!" if i complained to them...juz another example of insensitive
ppl around me...

i wonder how my older sisters are doing (they're my stepsisters...my
father married another woman b4 he divorced and married my mom...)...i
guess they reali dislike us...it was so disappointing on that day i
first met one of them...that day my mom told me to bring something
downstairs and pass to my father, and when i knew that one of my sis
was going out with him, i quickly told my brothers...they were so
eager to meet her that one of my bros stopped in the middle of
bathing, and quickly changed clothes...when we met her we were all
like "hi jie jie" (jie jie is chinese for older sister)...and she onli
smiled, but didnt say anything (the worst part was that she was
forcing a smile...i could see she was trying to hide sime sort of
anger...why is this system of life so evil...why cant i meet any of my
sisters and have a comversation...its like everything is so crapped up
until even the simplest of smiles cant even be shown to a stepbrother
who was so eager to met her...its juz so unfair...so wrong...

2009-01-25T14:40:00.000+08:00

there is hatred in ppl all over the world...i think its bcoz some ppl cannot accept differences (sometimes even similarities), and they think by ignoring them can solve the problem... but i guess its not true...nowadays mani countries have waged wars juz bcoz they have different races/religion...ppl must learn to accept... this can also be applied personally...ppl try to ignore their weaknesses, and try to hide it...its not going to help...i guess this is another area where i think differently...i live with all my strengths and weaknesses...its a burden, but its the way i think and feel, but at least i my weaknesses, and can TRY to change...but tis is hard for me, juz as it is hard for every1..

2009-01-24T11:50:00.001+08:00

If onli i could find more time again to take pictures like tis...

2009-01-23T14:33:00.002+08:00

ppl seem to be more interested in the reality around them and their
frens...they nvr take time to start thinking about the world
around...none of them ever thinks about poor and hungry ppl...all over
the world are ppl suffering...why is everyone ignoring the harshness
of reality, why are they so unaware of everything...maybe thats y
nobody wans to think about life...everyone seems to wan to ignore the
unpleasant truth...if onli i can juz live like everyone else: so happy
in the reality they create around them...tis cant be wad life is about...

2009-01-21T20:28:00.001+08:00

seeing other ppl in NUS high has shown me more sorts of ppl...its
getting more and more confusing...i cant seem to find time to think,
and it keeps me awake every night...my mother said that when ppl cant
sleep, it meant that they r stressed...and so she keeps asking me if
im stressed or not at school...i juz cant bring myself to tell her
about all this thinking and stuff...but i feel that something is
missing in this society...its like every1 is a piece of puzzle that
can somehow fit into society, and every1 belongs in a place...but i
feel im in the wrong place...and also its like theres something wrong
throughout this whole system...but i cant point out where this is...im
kinda like mapping out life, and its most probably impossible...but
theres this faint hope...like scientists can figure out the structure
of the Earth thru seismic waves even if they nvr got to see the
mantle, and others can figure out atoms so such details that its
impossible to think that the best picture of an atom is a bunch of
grey dots that are meant to be gold atoms...maybe i have the chance,
but then again, theres no way to experiment with life...theres no
second chance, and i have veri little experience...but im still gonna
find out wad i can...im looking for ppl to help me with
this...experience is not needed, i guess...but i juz need ur time...if
any1 is willing to help plz tell me...im reali hoping to have a chance
to see thru the different views of life...

2009-01-19T13:55:00.002+08:00

eveyone around me seems so insensitive...or else im juz too sensitive...i juz don know which is which anymore...but they seem so caught up in their own problems to notice anyone else around them...maybe i juz care too much about others...i should be worrying about myself instead...but my problems always seem so insignificant...i cant tell the difference between truth and lies...Life deceives ppl...everything i trusted in had all been a lie...i juz cant tell...i hope theres some1 to help me...to walk by my side im this long journey of Life...

2009-01-17T20:02:00.001+08:00

i don know...my life seems so wrong...it started bcoz i knew too much...since young i read alot, and it gave me insights on other ppl's lives...but eventually i figured out that my life was so different from others...the way i thought, the way i felt was not the way other ppl did (and i figured all this already around 8 years old, maybe younger...)...so i started to try to find out more about life...i didnt know it at first, but now i know how much problems it could get me into...i began to look at life with a different perspective...its too late to turn back already...damage has been done and i cant change my ways and thoughts...im juz so hopeless, i can juz try my best to find the system to life and society around us...onli then i might be able to change the state i am in...i juz wan to change everything in my life...i want to live like others, and not like this anymore...i juz cant live like this anymore...can anyone out there help me...can anyone
help me to map out this system of life? plz...i need help so much...

2009-01-09T22:23:00.001+08:00

im so happy its finally goimg to be the weekends...i hope i can chat with someone, if not i would've rather spent it in school...school was reali scary in some ways...im so much of a paranoid, i wori about trying to fit in...and i was talking to another new student (same year as me)...and he was like saying he LIKED memorising the numbers of PI while in his other school...(i was so shocked, but theres more)...then he went on to say that he didnt know that memorising the first few (not reali few to me) numbers could get him POPULAR in the school...i was totally shocked (another student said that guy bothered to memorise about a hundred, so i hope u understand me)...when i heard that i was so i would not be able to fit in (ppl say i think too much, and i agree, but if knowing is half the battle won, then i can say i left mani battles half won...)...felt so nervous in school, and bcoz of the initiation ceremony of the school, i found myself leaving school
at (guess when?) close to 9PM...note im saying PM capitalised...im right now taking the train home (9:15pm now...) but when im able to post tisup it'll probably be tmr...followed 1 of my classmates to the MRT train, met one of his frens along the way, and reached there, finding out that both would've took the train going the other way (talk about feeling betrayed by ppl i dont know - come to think of it he was the person who made me end up as biology rep, and im scared of responsibilities - not that i hate it, but im juz scared i do something wrong, and i'll coz everyone trouble...im juz so scared) ...so lonely that i actually spoke to another student (total stranger) that was 2 years younger than me...dont kniw what i was doing i guess, but fortunately (for me) it turned out fine...actually right now imso happy to be out the tunnel (still in the train)...the train is going closer already, and im feeling so lonely (changed trains so im not with the
other girl - i actually got her contact number lolz)...juz gonna be happy to get home... and hopefully my mother will let me use the com tmr...coz i hope to have someone to talk to...(reached home later at 9:30pm - quite early considering i expected to reach home at 10pm) hope i can wori less, play more! whoo hoo for the weekends...plz try to be online (i'll chat if i get to be online), provided anyone reads tis on time (which, being more of a pessimist, i wont reali think its gonna happen...but being a pessimist is not what some ppl think, like looking at stuff badly...its more of not expecting good stuff to happen, which would bring more surprise when things do go right, but usually being a pessimist doesnt make me want to enjoy it when it does happen, so i sort of end up not veri happy -lolz -, but at least baf stuff wont hurt me so much haha...)...going to start thinking of other stuff already...but i think i'll go sleep first...i'll enjoy (at least
i'll try to) the weekends tmr (after my chinese tuition, that is)...yea um...good night

2009-01-09T11:28:00.001+08:00

i think i have enough of everything already...its hard trying to fit in in this new school...1 hour bus ride juz to get to school is juz too much for me...hoping to find some ppl who i can fit in with but i always have trouble with that...partially bcoz everyone i met so far juz turned out to be weird ppl or something...i juz hoping for some relaxing time over the weekends, but its unlikely...my bros all getting to use the computer but apparently my mother have a problem with me using it...she's like "enough (playing) already" when i ask her fir permission to play...and i havent even seen the computer on...my bros got to play it while i spent my whole day in school, and my mother acts like i had been playing computer for the whole day already...i juz wan to spend some time meeting ppl i know for a change (its reali veri lonely for me in school - i look at a group of frens and i juz wish for some frens like that...and i wonder if i should have juz stayed
in my previous school...) things could have turned out differently i guess... but maybe theres a reason y things shpuld be this way...juz hoping i have a fren online to talk to tomorrow, so i wont feel so lonely...cant seem to find my frens from my old school...so i hope to be able to talk to my old frens tomorrow...that is if i can get online, otherwise, its gonna be a long weekend, and another longer week ahead...

2009-01-06T12:30:00.001+08:00

i think i got it figured out...so tis isnt reali my blog...tis is more
of the life of the ppl around me, the feelings i see in them...so that
is another aspect of life - a network of diversity...but diversity is
about differences, and these differences is another cause of
chaos...ppl fighting about race and religion...ppl comparing status,
job, wealth and everything else...everything juz has to go tis way...i
guess thats the way of life

missing my frens from my old school...its like all the days of school
with them is juz a distant memory...waiting for time to forget...i
guess things juz have to change...

2008-12-31T19:53:00.002+08:00

life is full of what-ifs...i sometimes wonder alot of these...and i'll
juz get lost in my imaginations...its so scary how different life
could me if something else happened imstead...it may not look like
much, but it means alot...maybe we start from a short time ago...wad
if u had passed the exams with flying colours? wad if u had went to
some other place for the holidays? wad if u had went out with your
frens the other day?...this may seem small...but the further we go
back, the more significant it is...like wad if u had not wemr to the
school u r now in? wad if u had not changed homes a few years back?
wad if u had not met the best fren u have now?...lets go a few more
years back...wad if u had been born in another time? wad if u were
borm somewhere else? wad if u were born differently?...to go to the
extreme, the changes might juz be drastic...wad if the Issac Newton
was not born? wad if Earth did not exist? wad if life was different as
we know it?...

i guess alot of stuff here could have happened, alot could have
not...i dont know...life is so weird...for example...in a game, i
found a fren i thought i lost...juz that 1 second i took to find him...
(i've been trying for a while...)...but what if it happened
differently?...wad if i didnt bother to search for him (i usually
found him offline)...wad if something else happened...wad if i nvr
found him...
i think i was foolish...i kept losing frens...i made so few...and the
frenship juz falls apart bcoz i didnt bother to ask for their
contacts...i guess i was young and naive...i juz took everything for
granted...i guess my life was so crapped up...its juz another reason
im tis way - losong hope on life...hope u still have your meaning of
life...God bless you

2008-12-31T07:32:00.002+08:00

juz in case u have no idea about me...im currently in sec 2 in
Anderson Secondary, but in the year 2009, im changing school to NUS
high...had a bridging course, and im gonna have a test when i go back
to school...if i fail i will have extra classes to catch up...

Tuesday 30 December 2009

7:00pm
bored...my mother is "reminding" (a.k.a., nagging)...shes like "don
forget to back your bags", "did u revise ur work?" and "did u check
the school website for more information?"...lolz...

7:10pm
my father sat down, and took a look at my graphic calculator (cost: S
$239 - lolz i noe its expensive...but its compulsory zzz)...and he was
scared i lost it...(cant blame him)...he wanted me to write my name on
the calculator...but after a while he bcame more worried...to the
point of even wanting to ENGRAVE - take note, not making a mark, not
writing my name with marker, but to engrave on BOTH the cover and the
calculator itself - so he rushed us straight thru dinner...

7:40pm
sitting in my father's car, with my mother and 2 bros...on the way to
queenstown - queensway shopping centre - (half an hour car ride...so
bored)...imagine...all the trouble juz for a calculafor...my bros all
getting a little bored (earlier they were slightly irritated for
needing to go out for nothing)...they all hoping to buy something as
well...but all im hoping for is that we nvr went out at all...its
gonna be hard to go back to school with a calculator which even has an
engraving of my name...zzz tis is a slow nightmare...

wow...i don usually post stuff like up there...but now i still have my
usual things to say below...

i figured more stuff...(juz in case u dont know, ppl's lives are
intertwined...we affect one another...juz a small action can change
anothwr person's life...) so...i think thats y i felt that i couldnt
have a life of my own...its bcoz my life was part of other ppl's
lives...meaning my family, frens, and ppl around me...so i wonder if i
can still find a little bit of my life to keep to myself...i dont
think i will find it, but i cant stop trying...

2008-12-29T07:16:00.001+08:00

ppl keep counting down to new year, but i don like it...it is like
counting down to reality...i have to go back to school, see how weak
in studies i am compared to other ppl, see how short i am...i don know
about tis anymore...i don know where my life is headed to...i wan to
see the light...i need help finding my way, finding the meaning,
finding rest in the maze of life...its so scary feeling alone,
detached from others...and when i see a group of frens together...i
cant help envying then...they have frens and can mix around freely, i
have onli a few (if not none) which im not close to...if onli the
world isnt so task oriented...everybody is looking towards what u can
do, not what u are...thats y alot of new year resolutions are stuff
like "i must work harder" or "i wan to learn more useful
skills"...everything is about being better equiped to help society,
not being better at controlling emotions, being more mature, being
more understanding...what is the meaning of life? is it about striving
to be better (as in have more cash, status etc. etc.), or to know more
about oneself...i don know anymore...

2008-12-28T20:22:00.001+08:00

my mom juz created an account in maplestory (lolz?) ... my bros and i had to guide her thru everything zzz... but i have a feeling she wanted to get closer to us thru the game...actually it wont work so well...i like ppl for who they r, not what they, have, give, or can give me...so playing a game with me wont get me closer to my mom...she wont get it, but i don care...my parents were nvr close to me, and juz might nvr be...

i also don lile the way i keep having time to think...i don wanna think anymore...its been shaping my life too much...its like being a wanderer...its better to juz live in a small hut, then searching the world for a mansion...and when i think, its like exploring and finding new lands...and seeing how much yet unseen...i feel so small in this world...wad is the meaning of it all...i wan to juz live lfe blindly like others...i don wan to think anymore...

2008-12-27T13:23:00.002+08:00

i think one of the reason y i do not easily enjoy myself is bcoz of my
allergies...juz yesterday, i had alot of rashes appearing all over my
body...it was itchy, and when u looked at my skin, it would appear
like i had birth marks all over my body. the doctor said it was an
allergy...either i have taken a medicine which i was allergic to,
eaten seafood, or something else. i didnt take any medicine, so the
first possibilty us out. also, i didnt eat seafood in the last few
days so that possibilty is out too (though i am a little allergic to
seafood) ...so i have no idea what i m allergic to...i have a slight
allergy to seafood, my body cant take cold milk well, and now i have
another allergy that i have no idea about ...if i didnt have these
allergies, i juz might be living life a different way...i don know
every factor that caused my life to be like tis, but i know im still
in search of truth...hope you have found your meaning to life

2008-12-25T15:40:00.001+08:00

alot of experience i've had was from books...each book was an insight
to the author's life, and all the author has experienced...it gave me
a big advantage over others...it gave me a general idea of other ppl,
and it helped me alot in conversations (u'll understand more next
time- im a like a paranoid) ...
i used to be lonely (i still am in a different way - last time i had
nobody around me, now i have alot of ppl, but veri little of them are
reali frens)...so i slowly came to believe that i cant impress ppl
thru simple talking...everything must be properly controlled so that i
had the advantage over the others...i guess i was selfish, wanted to
impress, to juz have that feeling of truely being appreciated...so
anyway, i was usually the one controlling the 1 to 1 conversations (i
dont like group conversations - im not used to sharing so freely) i
guess u could call me a freak...a reali scary one...as i said b4, im a
paranoid...so every little thing was controlled...timing, volume,
feelings, tone, eye contact (i sometimes scare myself with how much i
have changed)...with this i have deceived mani to think im juz normal,
simple ad happy...veri few know about the real me...i juz find it so
hard and embarassing to be so different, so complicated, and so
alone...i guess i am selfish...even words in this blog have been
twisted by me to achieve the very effect i have hoped for (i have juz
used the word "very" for emphasis...tis is bcoz each word have an
underlying meaning, example "deceive" has a slightly different meaning
from "trick" or "lie" - knowing tis alot has given me the advantage
to choose the right words, and to have the right arrangement of words)
- i guess tis gives me makes me kinda like a charismatic speaker who
uses his/her talents to deceive others...i feel so scared...

my life is full of uncertainties...deception, betrayal in little ways
have made me immune to mani attempts to deceive me...but it has
hardened my heart...i feel no more...i help but dont feel sympathy, i
hug, but dont feel or give love...i juz let out my sadness by myself
every now and then...feeling sad for the life i lost...feeling sad on
how things have changed... im so unsure of things that i have no real
refuge...my "solid ground" is no more than a shifting sand dune...i
turn from shelter to shelter...im in search of my final resting
place...im sure i will not find it, but i'll keep going on the journey
of the search of rest, in search of the meaning of life...in search of
truth in the world of uncertainty...usually the onli time i can slow
down in tis fas paced society is onli during my bath time...where i
can forget my body, and spend my time on my thoughts...next time, if u
have a moment, juz spend time thinking what is ur direction in life,
what in ur life is a sure truth, and what might juz be a lie...i guess
i thought about tis mani times, and saw how bleak the future
seemed...i think this was a huge factor that turned my life around...i
wish life doesnt have to keep changing, so i can slowly learn to fit
in, see where i belong in the system of society...i learn to help
others for tis is wad is called "correct", so tis is y i hope others
don have to go thru what i m going thru in life (there will be others
like me, however) Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, and may God
guide you thru ur journey of Life

2008-12-21T15:55:00.002+08:00

had a dream where i was juz doing activities with some1...that person was a stranger to me, or else i had forgotten him (didnt reali see him, didnt reali recognise him)...we were juz laughing as we were doing it, like how children can play and laugh with new frens...i guess im juz wishing for some1 to be that fren, to do stuff that we can do together, no conditions except to have fun...usually the ppl i meet are more task oriented...the onli time i spend with them is when they're doing something they need or want to...it has always been this way, and so in the end i give up my time to spend it with them...they never reali appreciated it, and maybe they didnt even saw y i was doing it...so im juz waiting for that fren who can juz give up some time, and simply do the things we like to do...

2008-12-17T12:34:00.001+08:00

last evening, my mom was scolding my bro and i for juz playing a few
extra minutes neyond the time limit...she said a few time "ur father
is right, u take me for granted and if ur father is here u'l obey
immediately" and also "im fact everyday at most u should only play one
and a half hour"...i dont know who is right, who is wrong..,i end up
blaming myself for eveything...im so confused...every scolding seemed
like a personal attack, and everytime my emotions were hurt , a part
of my life is like being eaten away...im on the path of self-
destruction and i might juz lose entire meaning to life...im waiting
for a good leader to guide me thru and show me the turming point of my
life...(im not a good leader - there was no great leader in my life
for my role model. my father was bias to my second bro, my mom juz
turned to my father to punish us, i had no bigger brother or
sister...no example of a leader...) i have also been trying to
change...but it juz led to total chaos in my life...i didnt know which
part of me was the real me or not... i cant find myself in this maze
of life...i dont know if i should actually change or to stay as
myself...i am standing on unstable and unpredictable ground...im so
desperate...i juz feel like giving up on life...

others seem to have a good life...it seems to go by this way: for
others to be happy, one person has to suffer for the rest...Jesus
Christ suffer and died for everyone. a salmon has to sacrifice itself
during childbirth to ensure the continuation of the species...maybe im
juz one of the few who have to suffer...im waiting for answers to my
questions...my life has been full of lies and deception...

What is the truth?

2008-12-14T14:25:00.001+08:00

i have a way with words...emotions are what i emphasize on...i work
well with it as i have experienced emotions...every emotion u name i
will have at least come in contact once...anguish, neglect...wadever u
can think off...its becoz of tis i find it easy to deceive - its hard
to think that behind my enthusiastic smiles that deep feelings run
below...i've been deceived by my friends, my parents, by life
itself...i've learnt so much to catch ppl lying, and to deceive ppl
myself. i guess life has influenced me too much...

i experienced so much and yet i call myself inexperienced... its becoz
everything i experienced was a lie...everything that i learnt,
everything that i knew, everything that i believed in...all turned out
to be lies...how much more are people going to try to find their way
thru a world of doubt...life is juz a maze thru a world of
darkness...so i juz hang on to my emotions and hope for the best

2008-12-13T09:46:00.001+08:00

im afraid to be part of other ppl's lives...it takes juz one person to
change another person's life forever...maybe im juz paranoid..,i m juz
so confused...

i guess ignorance reali is a bliss...i always thought that i wasnt the
quiet type...i wasnt the emo type...(parent's influence)...when i knew
it...it turned my whole life upside down...it happened so
gradually...i nvr reali saw it coming...im juz so confused...i guess
im waiting for the ligjt at the end of the tunnel...its either a long
tunnel or that im juz too blind to see the light...waiting for that
someone to guide me...to lead the way in the maze and mystery of
life...(lolz i can be a poet zzz)...good luck with life everyone...

2008-12-11T11:29:00.000+08:00

i wan to live a normal life, doing the things ppl usually do, worrying
about things ppl usually worry about...life has deceived, confused,
and manipulated me... now i cant even trust myself...i wan to be more
like others, less of myself...i have been living life in an idealistic
way...it led me to be this wreck...i wan to stop blaming myself... i
wan to stop living life this way but i think there's no hope for me
left... i juz hope nobody else hace to suffer this way... so to
everyone out there: live life from day to day, dont wori about the
future or the past...enjoy the present like u nvr did b4...life is too
short to worri about other periods of life...what matters is not on
the outside, but instead what is on your inside ...God Bless

2008-12-09T15:38:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i was feeling so confused...it seems like my bro Bryan doesnt care about my feelings... i almost wanted to juz jump down...my father was also in a bad mood yesterday...i hate him so much... his every scolding was like a personal attack...he would juz beat like he wanted to vent his anger...i hate him...

by the way...sori to dissapoint u all...but i decided about maplestory...im gonna play it, but i'll play with my bros onli...i'll juz follo them around or something...im not gonna let myself go out of control again...

2008-12-05T21:39:00.000+08:00

the pain from memories gets worst...seeing it juz brings tears to my eyes, i breathe like im out of breath...and my throat has a feeling...and i feel like juz vomiting all my guts out...

my bro was calling me selfish bcoz im trying to stop them from playing as much as they wan...but it bcoz im juz scared of memories...its a part of me...pulling me away...im feeling so desperate...i wan my life back...

i dont reali call myself an emo....but i feel like slashing myelf...this blood is my life...and i hate it...i wan to juz let out some of my life...juz letting my life juz flow...i dont get it - alot of ppl cut themselves so that they can be labeled "emo"...but im hoping to slash myself (but im scared my parents find out or something) but i dont care if nobody sees my cuts...its supposed to be personal... that is juz another reason i feel so out of place...i do things for a different reason that everyone else does it for...y does life have to be so complicated?

2008-12-05T18:51:00.000+08:00

wow 3rd post 2day...i guess that although it was an uneventful day, my emotions are raging like the seas on a stormy night...im feeling more pain as i try to resist Maplestory...its pain that hurts right down to my heart...

im desperate...desperate for two things

one: i wan the pain to be over...its so pain...like labour pain - it comes back worser and worser...its so bad that i feel like taking my life to end the pain...maybe this pain is kind of a punishment for getting addicted in the first place...i was so stupid...how could i be so stupid...

two: im sick of this life...im hoping something happens to it...in fact, im so desperate that i would rather be handicapped, go blind or have some accident...at least for a short while i wont be "me" anymore...i'll have more affection...i'll greatfully juz give up everything for juz a moment of affection...u dont know how much this means to me - i've been living life on my own...my family juz misunderstands me as they see how i appear to be, but my feelings run much, much deeper than this...that's y i'll nvr be able to put my life story on this blog (unlike most ppl)...i hope some1 understands...

2008-12-05T17:32:00.000+08:00

half the day already and im so scared...i miss the characters, the music, the visuals...temptation is threatening to tear the very feelings about me...im juz gonna brace myself, and hope for the best...(God plz help me get thru this)...i guess God is testing me...but i've been going thru trial after trial...one of my brother keeps hurting my feelings...i'm going to a new school...have a test that will decide how much money my parents will save for my school fees (my mom reminded me once that it'll help alot if i pass - makes me feel more guilty)...feeling alone in this life...

all this while i have not heard anything from God...maybe i have not been listening to Him enough... i'll juz hand this all to God and hope for the best...(i'll see if i can find a pic of my character l8r...lols)

2008-12-05T10:33:00.001+08:00

My bros all transferring maplestory to the home computer without parents permission... juz last year i made sure i nvr used maplestory again...im too afraid to play in case of addiction...my bros all playing it in front of me...im so scared i get drawn to all the new features and old memories....i wan my bros to uderstand that im afraid of getting addicted again, but i have a feeling that if i tell them they'll wan to convince me to play even more...im juz so scared (the reason i liked about maplestory was the visuals - some backgrounds looked so peacefuls and the skills look too nice, i miss the backgroumd tunes too...i have alot of it on my phone) im trying to get hooked on facebook or something that i can easily quit...facebook will be more addictive if i juz have friends to talk to...that's y i made quite a few friends in the game "kidnappers"...i wan to chat with some1 b4 i ruin my life...im torn between 2 worlds...confusion is threatening to split the threads of my life apart... im a Christian so i believe that God has a plan for me, and that every temptation can be overcomed with God helping...

oh no they're playing at the place with the relaxing sound...i hope i dont get addicted again (search for Maplestory: Sleepywood)...i might have bad taste, but with every location, every image, every tune, there is meaning, there are memories...and i have to tear myself away from my old friends, my old memories, a part of my life - to save the rest of it...please help and give encouragements... coz im managing all by myself (i'll nvr tell my family - they think im juz an immature, helpless, selfish, typical 14 year old...that's y i turn to myself and to ppl who understand a part of me...to that some1, plz help me...

2008-12-04T08:57:00.000+08:00

Life dealt me alot of troubles...mani of which happened when i was young... and it shaped me alot to who i am...(this "who i am" is veri messed up)...i feel so out of place...

one of the troubles was that i was born in a well-to-do family, and my father made a wrong investment...lost a lot of money, and shifted to a small flat in Yishun...then i had to coped with living life without luxuries...and i coped so well...i didnt ask for any toys, red packets (with money inside) i got during chinese new year had to be used to buy school books, food...no complains...(my parents were deep in debts)...i lived a life unlike other children my age...(mani of my classmates have $2000 - $3000 in their banks acc, excluding the money they spent, and i had onli 1k+, without spending anything)...

we past that stage already, but my father is now spending alots of money on gadgets...like an iphone 3G (he dumped his second-hand 2G phone on me...after that whenever he scolds me he says like "I gave u an iphone already, then u still behave so badly"...but it lost its charm already, coz my father used it already, and my bros and i didnt find it interesting anymore...)...and leaving me with nothing...

another trouble is that i have a face that makes it easy for ppl to call me "nerd" or "geek" (yea...alot of my friends go like "KEEE-NERD!!!" zzz...), though i wan to live my own life...stupid specs (my parents simply had to let me read - i went to some nusery schools even b4 i learnt to walk...)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this'll sound funi...but i have a few stuffed animals...but when the world out there doesnt understand me (wadever u noe about me now is juz the tip of the iceberg...) my stuffed animals will be my friends (imagination is my strong point) ...its where i find acceptance in the world of strangers, its where i find advice in the world of deception (my imagination shapes my own world - every stuffed-animal will have its own personality, and this is how i see where every personality fits in society...all excect my type of personailty - the outcast)...it is where i simulate the world in my room (actually i have no room of my own - that's y i need much more time alone)...it helps me understand life...

P.S. try not to comment me, or message me about this blog...if i know who is watching...then i'll be more restrictive on what i write, and u will never understand me...this is the onli place where i unravel my life

2008-12-03T18:23:00.000+08:00

My mother juz called...said she wanted me to go out to the VBS camp fire...i didnt want to go, but she kept insisting...she gave excuse like "Oh your friends (from church) will be there" and "Papa want you to socialise"...she juz dont get it...she's been with me so long and she doesnt even know i wan to be alone...(i'll let her figure it out herself so she'll understand more...easy come easy go...)...

two things...going out for something like this requires not juz "friends", but "good/best friends", none of which i have...next, i socialise onli when im inclined to, not when anyone else wants me to. if i'm reali forced to go i'll juz be sitting there, not doing anything...and that's gonna be boring...and i can already see my father pestering me to go, then i refuse, then he either starts scolding me or he leaves...

my family juz cant leave me alone...i wan to be independant but they dont let me...and they can l8r on say they r spoiling me...but that's bcoz they want to, not bcoz i wan...and my father can scold me and "ask"(force is a better word) me to help him with his stuff, and his reason(excuse is a better word too) is bcoz hes my father...one of these examples was when he wanted me to do his powerpoint (lyrics for the church's children service) and i said i had enough of doing so mani times (actually i juz said "no", but that sentence was what i reali meant)...then he asked mani times, getting angrier and angrier, threatening me with a cane (a present from the devil i suppose...) i didnt give in but all i got was a few strokes of the cane (i got so mani from young now i nvr feel anything anymore...life's so evil...)

i'll juz hope my stuation changes...i dont think it will, but dreams nvr hurt anyone...(maybe it did but i was hurt so much already....)

2008-12-03T07:41:00.000+08:00

My mom has demands for me already...ever since the time I created the simplest of all calculators, she wanted me to create a program for her so the message master (her company's product) can do something about all the messages...yesterday evening she was like "Ur program should do this...and that..."...zzz And later on she wanted to hug me and stuff...i seriously need some personal space... she also said that Bryan (he's been in a camp for 2 days now...) missed me, although I didnt believe her that he missed me...he would never do that...he cares onli about himself...like i've been treating him so well, and i got lots of vulgarities from him...other then that i got nothing...

so later Bryan came home, skipping a night in the camp...I pretended to be asleep...and i heard everything...he told my mom that he missed her...but didnt miss me at all (he didnt say this to make me angry...its coz he thoguht i was asleep..) My mom lied that i missed him too, but he didnt believe as well...(not that i cared...i cared for him for so long but nobody even noticed)

had a dumb dream as well...but it told alot about how i felt...i dreamt that my other bro was dying...it showed me how i would react to the deaths of ppl i love...so maybe im not prepared for them to die, but i wouldnt mind dying on the other hand...zzz

i feel that no one out there realli understand...but i dont care anymore...i read b4 that introverts are more comfortable with a small circle of friends, and the few friends are important to that them...but i feel so different...i dont wan close friends anymore...i juz want to be alone. ppl might ask y, but its b coz i had one reali good friend b4...Brandom Lim (wow...happened 8 years ago and i still remember)...he changed school and i nvr saw him again...another was Daniel Chong...met him in BSF (when i was 12 years old) but after that my father finished his course and i couldnt go there again...i left him my email but he nvr sent me anything...(he didnt leave me his email or his phone number...)...i think he had more friends than juz me...after that i didnt care to make friends...everyone else had their own already...i'lll juz stay as an introverted introvert...living life alone...

2008-12-02T09:04:00.000+08:00

Starting to think that some ppl dont get it...blogs are not for ppl to see what blog writers' lives are, it is just a window on their lives. and what the window shows is what the blog writer want ppl to see...some writers will use deception, manipulating ppl's trust...zzz

Oh yea I created another calculator that can now save numbers...yea

2008-12-01T08:39:00.000+08:00

Yea got some time on my own 2day...needless to say: its so boring... Was juz scrolling thru the phone calender 2day...then it suddenly came to me how bleak the future felt...I couldnt see myself in 20, 30 year's time...would that day reali come? or would something happen, like Global Warming, terrorist attacks, tsunami, hurricane, earthquake... ... one day, Singapore might juz face these problems. Even if it dont, Global Warming will still be there.

Also had a dream last night (wow, finally a message from my subconsious lol), about my parents talking...talking about how much i've grown, or something like that. When i was awake, it suddenly came to me that my parents weren't reali interested in me...they talked about my studies, my schooling, buying the textbooks and stuff, but they didnt reali put me in the picture anymore... other people's view on my life was obstructed my what I had, the complications, and so on, that no one reali got to see me, in what i am. im not sure if the real me is good or bad, but i juz know is somewhere buried under the loads of materialistic items...waiting to be uncovered...

2008-11-30T14:21:00.000+08:00

Feeling bored...wish life was more unpredictable in some ways and more predictable in others. My brothers are really starting to get on my nerves...But at least I got to finish the calculator. Making a little bouncing block that bounces against the application's walls...got to make it so that there is not even a 0.000000001% chance of it having a glitch. I want more ideas...lol.

My life's been kinda contradicting...its juz so complicated. My life is circled around relationships, and I have to end up as an introvert...the onli reason why I seem so "outwards" is somehow bcoz everyone around me is an extrovert, and I came to feel that it is better to be an extrovert...zzz Another contradiction: I like being a sadist...(SADIST seems better capitalised lol...) but yet when I hurt ppl's feelings, I feel sorri. Life's not going to make sense if it keeps complicating and contradicting stuff...(not that it make sense from the start but u get the idea)...

...

2008-11-28T09:53:00.000+08:00

This is so boring...i wan to work on my calculator but my bros always wan to play their own "LF2" (...). They keep editing the game, and dont let me do my calculator. its always in the late evening that they let me do the calculator (they're scared that my parents will catch lol)...i think i'll post something on the progress of the calculator lol (juz learning Visual Basics but progressing fast with my self study...i juz needed the first course of the VB lesson then i understood all the things in the VB manual...lol)
I should also put up an area where i put status updates (yea like the facebook "'so and so' is doing something"........lol)

Life's boring

2008-11-15T10:53:00.000+08:00

Lol my dad has a way of simply spoiling ppl's day by juz exaggerating what u juz done...but he does that only to me and my 2 bros...so that's y no one will understand...also, my mom likes adding fuel to the fire, so now we're as good as burning on the sun...life is not worth the trouble...

Juz occurred to me...

2008-11-12T09:02:00.000+08:00

I suddenly realised that I could right now be living a life of luxury. Its all because of my father that we lost alot of money in a wrong investment...Its all his fault

8th November

2008-11-09T16:17:00.000+08:00

Had some fun yesterday with the party, although my father ruined the first half with his selfish behavior. When some of my classmates came to my house, they said it got some sort of peaceful feeling. So, all of a sudden, a bloody battlefield (between my father and I) became a peaceful heaven. Going back to real life...no more safety, no more peacefulness anymore...

Sleeping

2008-11-06T09:05:00.000+08:00

Had a hard time sleeping last night, just like many other nights. Why can't my brain juz go to sleep properly and not keep me awake...

Last Night

2008-11-05T09:29:00.000+08:00

Last night my father received an SMS from Mary, who happens to be my stepsister (whom I have never met b4). The way she texted was like she was very close. It went something like "Dad, can we go out for dinner on another day? Coz I got studies on Thursday." and something else about buying a harddrive, but that's not important. It's juz so unfair that she is so close to him although he is not officially her father anymore, but mine...and yet my father is hating me so much...feeling depressed...

Bored...

2008-11-05T09:27:00.000+08:00

Feeling really bored today...Also feeling that my father hates me. He claims that I'm rude to him juz becoz I speak to him with my usual sarcasm. He keeps shouting at me every time I do that, and keeps saying he wants to bash me up, or beat me up until I bleed. I really hate him.