half the day already and im so scared...i miss the characters, the music, the visuals...temptation is threatening to tear the very feelings about me...im juz gonna brace myself, and hope for the best...(God plz help me get thru this)...i guess God is testing me...but i've been going thru trial after trial...one of my brother keeps hurting my feelings...i'm going to a new school...have a test that will decide how much money my parents will save for my school fees (my mom reminded me once that it'll help alot if i pass - makes me feel more guilty)...feeling alone in this life...

all this while i have not heard anything from God...maybe i have not been listening to Him enough... i'll juz hand this all to God and hope for the best...(i'll see if i can find a pic of my character l8r...lols)

My bros all transferring maplestory to the home computer without parents permission... juz last year i made sure i nvr used maplestory again...im too afraid to play in case of addiction...my bros all playing it in front of me...im so scared i get drawn to all the new features and old memories....i wan my bros to uderstand that im afraid of getting addicted again, but i have a feeling that if i tell them they'll wan to convince me to play even more...im juz so scared (the reason i liked about maplestory was the visuals - some backgrounds looked so peacefuls and the skills look too nice, i miss the backgroumd tunes too...i have alot of it on my phone) im trying to get hooked on facebook or something that i can easily quit...facebook will be more addictive if i juz have friends to talk to...that's y i made quite a few friends in the game "kidnappers"...i wan to chat with some1 b4 i ruin my life...im torn between 2 worlds...confusion is threatening to split the threads of my life apart... im a Christian so i believe that God has a plan for me, and that every temptation can be overcomed with God helping...

oh no they're playing at the place with the relaxing sound...i hope i dont get addicted again (search for Maplestory: Sleepywood)...i might have bad taste, but with every location, every image, every tune, there is meaning, there are memories...and i have to tear myself away from my old friends, my old memories, a part of my life - to save the rest of it...please help and give encouragements... coz im managing all by myself (i'll nvr tell my family - they think im juz an immature, helpless, selfish, typical 14 year old...that's y i turn to myself and to ppl who understand a part of me...to that some1, plz help me...

Life dealt me alot of troubles...mani of which happened when i was young... and it shaped me alot to who i am...(this "who i am" is veri messed up)...i feel so out of place...

one of the troubles was that i was born in a well-to-do family, and my father made a wrong investment...lost a lot of money, and shifted to a small flat in Yishun...then i had to coped with living life without luxuries...and i coped so well...i didnt ask for any toys, red packets (with money inside) i got during chinese new year had to be used to buy school books, food...no complains...(my parents were deep in debts)...i lived a life unlike other children my age...(mani of my classmates have $2000 - $3000 in their banks acc, excluding the money they spent, and i had onli 1k+, without spending anything)...

we past that stage already, but my father is now spending alots of money on gadgets...like an iphone 3G (he dumped his second-hand 2G phone on me...after that whenever he scolds me he says like "I gave u an iphone already, then u still behave so badly"...but it lost its charm already, coz my father used it already, and my bros and i didnt find it interesting anymore...)...and leaving me with nothing...

another trouble is that i have a face that makes it easy for ppl to call me "nerd" or "geek" (yea...alot of my friends go like "KEEE-NERD!!!" zzz...), though i wan to live my own life...stupid specs (my parents simply had to let me read - i went to some nusery schools even b4 i learnt to walk...)

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this'll sound funi...but i have a few stuffed animals...but when the world out there doesnt understand me (wadever u noe about me now is juz the tip of the iceberg...) my stuffed animals will be my friends (imagination is my strong point) ...its where i find acceptance in the world of strangers, its where i find advice in the world of deception (my imagination shapes my own world - every stuffed-animal will have its own personality, and this is how i see where every personality fits in society...all excect my type of personailty - the outcast)...it is where i simulate the world in my room (actually i have no room of my own - that's y i need much more time alone)...it helps me understand life...

P.S. try not to comment me, or message me about this blog...if i know who is watching...then i'll be more restrictive on what i write, and u will never understand me...this is the onli place where i unravel my life

My mother juz called...said she wanted me to go out to the VBS camp fire...i didnt want to go, but she kept insisting...she gave excuse like "Oh your friends (from church) will be there" and "Papa want you to socialise"...she juz dont get it...she's been with me so long and she doesnt even know i wan to be alone...(i'll let her figure it out herself so she'll understand more...easy come easy go...)...

two things...going out for something like this requires not juz "friends", but "good/best friends", none of which i have...next, i socialise onli when im inclined to, not when anyone else wants me to. if i'm reali forced to go i'll juz be sitting there, not doing anything...and that's gonna be boring...and i can already see my father pestering me to go, then i refuse, then he either starts scolding me or he leaves...

my family juz cant leave me alone...i wan to be independant but they dont let me...and they can l8r on say they r spoiling me...but that's bcoz they want to, not bcoz i wan...and my father can scold me and "ask"(force is a better word) me to help him with his stuff, and his reason(excuse is a better word too) is bcoz hes my father...one of these examples was when he wanted me to do his powerpoint (lyrics for the church's children service) and i said i had enough of doing so mani times (actually i juz said "no", but that sentence was what i reali meant)...then he asked mani times, getting angrier and angrier, threatening me with a cane (a present from the devil i suppose...) i didnt give in but all i got was a few strokes of the cane (i got so mani from young now i nvr feel anything anymore...life's so evil...)

i'll juz hope my stuation changes...i dont think it will, but dreams nvr hurt anyone...(maybe it did but i was hurt so much already....)

My mom has demands for me already...ever since the time I created the simplest of all calculators, she wanted me to create a program for her so the message master (her company's product) can do something about all the messages...yesterday evening she was like "Ur program should do this...and that..."...zzz And later on she wanted to hug me and stuff...i seriously need some personal space... she also said that Bryan (he's been in a camp for 2 days now...) missed me, although I didnt believe her that he missed me...he would never do that...he cares onli about himself...like i've been treating him so well, and i got lots of vulgarities from him...other then that i got nothing...

so later Bryan came home, skipping a night in the camp...I pretended to be asleep...and i heard everything...he told my mom that he missed her...but didnt miss me at all (he didnt say this to make me angry...its coz he thoguht i was asleep..) My mom lied that i missed him too, but he didnt believe as well...(not that i cared...i cared for him for so long but nobody even noticed)

had a dumb dream as well...but it told alot about how i felt...i dreamt that my other bro was dying...it showed me how i would react to the deaths of ppl i love...so maybe im not prepared for them to die, but i wouldnt mind dying on the other hand...zzz

i feel that no one out there realli understand...but i dont care anymore...i read b4 that introverts are more comfortable with a small circle of friends, and the few friends are important to that them...but i feel so different...i dont wan close friends anymore...i juz want to be alone. ppl might ask y, but its b coz i had one reali good friend b4...Brandom Lim (wow...happened 8 years ago and i still remember)...he changed school and i nvr saw him again...another was Daniel Chong...met him in BSF (when i was 12 years old) but after that my father finished his course and i couldnt go there again...i left him my email but he nvr sent me anything...(he didnt leave me his email or his phone number...)...i think he had more friends than juz me...after that i didnt care to make friends...everyone else had their own already...i'lll juz stay as an introverted introvert...living life alone...

Starting to think that some ppl dont get it...blogs are not for ppl to see what blog writers' lives are, it is just a window on their lives. and what the window shows is what the blog writer want ppl to see...some writers will use deception, manipulating ppl's trust...zzz

Oh yea I created another calculator that can now save numbers...yea

Yea got some time on my own 2day...needless to say: its so boring... Was juz scrolling thru the phone calender 2day...then it suddenly came to me how bleak the future felt...I couldnt see myself in 20, 30 year's time...would that day reali come? or would something happen, like Global Warming, terrorist attacks, tsunami, hurricane, earthquake... ... one day, Singapore might juz face these problems. Even if it dont, Global Warming will still be there.

Also had a dream last night (wow, finally a message from my subconsious lol), about my parents talking...talking about how much i've grown, or something like that. When i was awake, it suddenly came to me that my parents weren't reali interested in me...they talked about my studies, my schooling, buying the textbooks and stuff, but they didnt reali put me in the picture anymore... other people's view on my life was obstructed my what I had, the complications, and so on, that no one reali got to see me, in what i am. im not sure if the real me is good or bad, but i juz know is somewhere buried under the loads of materialistic items...waiting to be uncovered...