My life juz feels so empty now. frens juz come and go. its juz so hard to fill my life with something. anything >.<...

wad was i thinking...things are nvr gonna change...each time im always finding another way to bring myself up, onli to find a pitfall that leads me lower than b4...im always the one left behind broken...n its juz the way it is. so mani questions, so little answers... life always have to be that way i guess...this is the beauty of the system of life...its wonderful in some ways, horrible in others...sometimes i see the horrible side so much that i wanna live like like other ppl...to be able to live life again, to see the different views in ppl that make up Life itself...maybe its another question that can nvr be answered...life was nvr meant to be fair after all...

31 January 2009

I have finally figured everything out. All my life I kept thinking
there was a pattern to Life, hoping to fit in. But I get it all now. I
was looking at the big picture that I lost sight of those around me.
Why look for where I fit in? After all, not everyone fits in society.
Its through making making your own reality that you fit in. If I had
just looked around, there is everything I needed: my friends, my
family. Isn't that what that matters? My life is complete. The system
of life is perhaps too complicated for our human minds to understand,
but I've found my meaning. Its the people around me who make me who I
am, and it is the people around me who can understand. Things will get
better for me from here, although some things will never change. If I
now treasure my friends, I'll never be alone. My life will never be
perfect, but it is complete. This world can't remove its weaknesses,
but that's what acceptance is. I've learnt to accept this reality, for
there is no second chance. If this is my reality, if this is my life,
so be it. This is the turning point of my life. This is another page,
another chapter. A new leaf turned, a new start. I am different, but
then again, everyone is different. This is my reality. This is my Life.

Find me at my new blog, http://www.theturningpoint-anewbeginning.blogspot.com

i noe im probably veri bad...but i juz like deceiving ppl every now
and then, but juz for fun...i think its bcoz of the way i was deceived
all my life...deceived my the ppl around me, and even me deceiving
myself that i was juz like other ppl and that i had less frens bcoz i
was antisocial...but when i slowly understood more ppl and their
thoughts...i felt more different, and i had to deceive myself
more...juz to feel like i belong...but when ppl started asking me "y u
so emo" and "y u think so differently"...i knew it wasnt juz
me...there were so mani facts that showed that i think differently,
and it was no longer possible to deceive myself...it made me felt so
alone...i think thats wad drove me to write this blog...to share my
feelings, and to find ppl to understand, and to try to help me...and
with the small hope of finding someone out there who thinks like
me...to have some one wgo neither leads nor follows...who will juz
walk by my side as we slowly figure out this meaning to
everything...for there are scientists to figure out the world around
us, but there are nobody to figure out the system and meaning to it
all...maybe its bcoz life is too short to figure out everything...and
there is no way to pass tis information on...its juz so sad and ironic
everything seems...

yesterday (sunday 25/1/2009), my father wanted me to take his previous
laptop bcoz it was good (better than the one that they wanted to buy),
but i actually would prefer the newer one, rather than his big
laptop...its bcoz it would be nice to reali (and finally) have some
electronic stuff that is new...the last time i had 1 it was my
previous phone, gotten on my 13th birthday, at pizza hut in ang mo kio
central (my memory seldom fails me...i even remember my parents
pretending it wasnt a phone in that box...lolz)...but now im using my
father's iphone again...im juz such a failure...im not an optimist,
but a pessimist...and the worst i could imagine was that my father
would buy a cheaper laptop, but at least 1 that was good enough by his
judgement...i guess im so terrible i cant even imagine the worst : a
second hand laptop...*sigh*...nvm if any1 asks i'll say its new...more
deception, but wad else can i do...i can imagine the guys saying
"FAIL!" if i complained to them...juz another example of insensitive
ppl around me...

i wonder how my older sisters are doing (they're my stepsisters...my
father married another woman b4 he divorced and married my mom...)...i
guess they reali dislike us...it was so disappointing on that day i
first met one of them...that day my mom told me to bring something
downstairs and pass to my father, and when i knew that one of my sis
was going out with him, i quickly told my brothers...they were so
eager to meet her that one of my bros stopped in the middle of
bathing, and quickly changed clothes...when we met her we were all
like "hi jie jie" (jie jie is chinese for older sister)...and she onli
smiled, but didnt say anything (the worst part was that she was
forcing a smile...i could see she was trying to hide sime sort of
anger...why is this system of life so evil...why cant i meet any of my
sisters and have a comversation...its like everything is so crapped up
until even the simplest of smiles cant even be shown to a stepbrother
who was so eager to met her...its juz so unfair...so wrong...

there is hatred in ppl all over the world...i think its bcoz some ppl cannot accept differences (sometimes even similarities), and they think by ignoring them can solve the problem... but i guess its not true...nowadays mani countries have waged wars juz bcoz they have different races/religion...ppl must learn to accept... this can also be applied personally...ppl try to ignore their weaknesses, and try to hide it...its not going to help...i guess this is another area where i think differently...i live with all my strengths and weaknesses...its a burden, but its the way i think and feel, but at least i my weaknesses, and can TRY to change...but tis is hard for me, juz as it is hard for every1..

If onli i could find more time again to take pictures like tis...