alot of experience i've had was from books...each book was an insight
to the author's life, and all the author has experienced...it gave me
a big advantage over others...it gave me a general idea of other ppl,
and it helped me alot in conversations (u'll understand more next
time- im a like a paranoid) ...
i used to be lonely (i still am in a different way - last time i had
nobody around me, now i have alot of ppl, but veri little of them are
reali frens)...so i slowly came to believe that i cant impress ppl
thru simple talking...everything must be properly controlled so that i
had the advantage over the others...i guess i was selfish, wanted to
impress, to juz have that feeling of truely being appreciated...so
anyway, i was usually the one controlling the 1 to 1 conversations (i
dont like group conversations - im not used to sharing so freely) i
guess u could call me a freak...a reali scary one...as i said b4, im a
paranoid...so every little thing was controlled...timing, volume,
feelings, tone, eye contact (i sometimes scare myself with how much i
have changed)...with this i have deceived mani to think im juz normal,
simple ad happy...veri few know about the real me...i juz find it so
hard and embarassing to be so different, so complicated, and so
alone...i guess i am selfish...even words in this blog have been
twisted by me to achieve the very effect i have hoped for (i have juz
used the word "very" for emphasis...tis is bcoz each word have an
underlying meaning, example "deceive" has a slightly different meaning
from "trick" or "lie" - knowing tis alot has given me the advantage
to choose the right words, and to have the right arrangement of words)
- i guess tis gives me makes me kinda like a charismatic speaker who
uses his/her talents to deceive others...i feel so scared...

my life is full of uncertainties...deception, betrayal in little ways
have made me immune to mani attempts to deceive me...but it has
hardened my heart...i feel no more...i help but dont feel sympathy, i
hug, but dont feel or give love...i juz let out my sadness by myself
every now and then...feeling sad for the life i lost...feeling sad on
how things have changed... im so unsure of things that i have no real
refuge...my "solid ground" is no more than a shifting sand dune...i
turn from shelter to shelter...im in search of my final resting
place...im sure i will not find it, but i'll keep going on the journey
of the search of rest, in search of the meaning of life...in search of
truth in the world of uncertainty...usually the onli time i can slow
down in tis fas paced society is onli during my bath time...where i
can forget my body, and spend my time on my thoughts...next time, if u
have a moment, juz spend time thinking what is ur direction in life,
what in ur life is a sure truth, and what might juz be a lie...i guess
i thought about tis mani times, and saw how bleak the future
seemed...i think this was a huge factor that turned my life around...i
wish life doesnt have to keep changing, so i can slowly learn to fit
in, see where i belong in the system of society...i learn to help
others for tis is wad is called "correct", so tis is y i hope others
don have to go thru what i m going thru in life (there will be others
like me, however) Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, and may God
guide you thru ur journey of Life