i noe im probably veri bad...but i juz like deceiving ppl every now
and then, but juz for fun...i think its bcoz of the way i was deceived
all my life...deceived my the ppl around me, and even me deceiving
myself that i was juz like other ppl and that i had less frens bcoz i
was antisocial...but when i slowly understood more ppl and their
thoughts...i felt more different, and i had to deceive myself
more...juz to feel like i belong...but when ppl started asking me "y u
so emo" and "y u think so differently"...i knew it wasnt juz
me...there were so mani facts that showed that i think differently,
and it was no longer possible to deceive myself...it made me felt so
alone...i think thats wad drove me to write this blog...to share my
feelings, and to find ppl to understand, and to try to help me...and
with the small hope of finding someone out there who thinks like
me...to have some one wgo neither leads nor follows...who will juz
walk by my side as we slowly figure out this meaning to
everything...for there are scientists to figure out the world around
us, but there are nobody to figure out the system and meaning to it
all...maybe its bcoz life is too short to figure out everything...and
there is no way to pass tis information on...its juz so sad and ironic
everything seems...

yesterday (sunday 25/1/2009), my father wanted me to take his previous
laptop bcoz it was good (better than the one that they wanted to buy),
but i actually would prefer the newer one, rather than his big
laptop...its bcoz it would be nice to reali (and finally) have some
electronic stuff that is new...the last time i had 1 it was my
previous phone, gotten on my 13th birthday, at pizza hut in ang mo kio
central (my memory seldom fails me...i even remember my parents
pretending it wasnt a phone in that box...lolz)...but now im using my
father's iphone again...im juz such a failure...im not an optimist,
but a pessimist...and the worst i could imagine was that my father
would buy a cheaper laptop, but at least 1 that was good enough by his
judgement...i guess im so terrible i cant even imagine the worst : a
second hand laptop...*sigh*...nvm if any1 asks i'll say its new...more
deception, but wad else can i do...i can imagine the guys saying
"FAIL!" if i complained to them...juz another example of insensitive
ppl around me...

i wonder how my older sisters are doing (they're my stepsisters...my
father married another woman b4 he divorced and married my mom...)...i
guess they reali dislike us...it was so disappointing on that day i
first met one of them...that day my mom told me to bring something
downstairs and pass to my father, and when i knew that one of my sis
was going out with him, i quickly told my brothers...they were so
eager to meet her that one of my bros stopped in the middle of
bathing, and quickly changed clothes...when we met her we were all
like "hi jie jie" (jie jie is chinese for older sister)...and she onli
smiled, but didnt say anything (the worst part was that she was
forcing a smile...i could see she was trying to hide sime sort of
anger...why is this system of life so evil...why cant i meet any of my
sisters and have a comversation...its like everything is so crapped up
until even the simplest of smiles cant even be shown to a stepbrother
who was so eager to met her...its juz so unfair...so wrong...

there is hatred in ppl all over the world...i think its bcoz some ppl cannot accept differences (sometimes even similarities), and they think by ignoring them can solve the problem... but i guess its not true...nowadays mani countries have waged wars juz bcoz they have different races/religion...ppl must learn to accept... this can also be applied personally...ppl try to ignore their weaknesses, and try to hide it...its not going to help...i guess this is another area where i think differently...i live with all my strengths and weaknesses...its a burden, but its the way i think and feel, but at least i my weaknesses, and can TRY to change...but tis is hard for me, juz as it is hard for every1..

If onli i could find more time again to take pictures like tis...

ppl seem to be more interested in the reality around them and their
frens...they nvr take time to start thinking about the world
around...none of them ever thinks about poor and hungry ppl...all over
the world are ppl suffering...why is everyone ignoring the harshness
of reality, why are they so unaware of everything...maybe thats y
nobody wans to think about life...everyone seems to wan to ignore the
unpleasant truth...if onli i can juz live like everyone else: so happy
in the reality they create around them...tis cant be wad life is about...

seeing other ppl in NUS high has shown me more sorts of ppl...its
getting more and more confusing...i cant seem to find time to think,
and it keeps me awake every night...my mother said that when ppl cant
sleep, it meant that they r stressed...and so she keeps asking me if
im stressed or not at school...i juz cant bring myself to tell her
about all this thinking and stuff...but i feel that something is
missing in this society...its like every1 is a piece of puzzle that
can somehow fit into society, and every1 belongs in a place...but i
feel im in the wrong place...and also its like theres something wrong
throughout this whole system...but i cant point out where this is...im
kinda like mapping out life, and its most probably impossible...but
theres this faint hope...like scientists can figure out the structure
of the Earth thru seismic waves even if they nvr got to see the
mantle, and others can figure out atoms so such details that its
impossible to think that the best picture of an atom is a bunch of
grey dots that are meant to be gold atoms...maybe i have the chance,
but then again, theres no way to experiment with life...theres no
second chance, and i have veri little experience...but im still gonna
find out wad i can...im looking for ppl to help me with
this...experience is not needed, i guess...but i juz need ur time...if
any1 is willing to help plz tell me...im reali hoping to have a chance
to see thru the different views of life...

eveyone around me seems so insensitive...or else im juz too sensitive...i juz don know which is which anymore...but they seem so caught up in their own problems to notice anyone else around them...maybe i juz care too much about others...i should be worrying about myself instead...but my problems always seem so insignificant...i cant tell the difference between truth and lies...Life deceives ppl...everything i trusted in had all been a lie...i juz cant tell...i hope theres some1 to help me...to walk by my side im this long journey of Life...