i noe im probably veri bad...but i juz like deceiving ppl every now
and then, but juz for fun...i think its bcoz of the way i was deceived
all my life...deceived my the ppl around me, and even me deceiving
myself that i was juz like other ppl and that i had less frens bcoz i
was antisocial...but when i slowly understood more ppl and their
thoughts...i felt more different, and i had to deceive myself
more...juz to feel like i belong...but when ppl started asking me "y u
so emo" and "y u think so differently"...i knew it wasnt juz
me...there were so mani facts that showed that i think differently,
and it was no longer possible to deceive myself...it made me felt so
alone...i think thats wad drove me to write this blog...to share my
feelings, and to find ppl to understand, and to try to help me...and
with the small hope of finding someone out there who thinks like
me...to have some one wgo neither leads nor follows...who will juz
walk by my side as we slowly figure out this meaning to
everything...for there are scientists to figure out the world around
us, but there are nobody to figure out the system and meaning to it
all...maybe its bcoz life is too short to figure out everything...and
there is no way to pass tis information on...its juz so sad and ironic
everything seems...

yesterday (sunday 25/1/2009), my father wanted me to take his previous
laptop bcoz it was good (better than the one that they wanted to buy),
but i actually would prefer the newer one, rather than his big
laptop...its bcoz it would be nice to reali (and finally) have some
electronic stuff that is new...the last time i had 1 it was my
previous phone, gotten on my 13th birthday, at pizza hut in ang mo kio
central (my memory seldom fails me...i even remember my parents
pretending it wasnt a phone in that box...lolz)...but now im using my
father's iphone again...im juz such a failure...im not an optimist,
but a pessimist...and the worst i could imagine was that my father
would buy a cheaper laptop, but at least 1 that was good enough by his
judgement...i guess im so terrible i cant even imagine the worst : a
second hand laptop...*sigh*...nvm if any1 asks i'll say its new...more
deception, but wad else can i do...i can imagine the guys saying
"FAIL!" if i complained to them...juz another example of insensitive
ppl around me...

i wonder how my older sisters are doing (they're my stepsisters...my
father married another woman b4 he divorced and married my mom...)...i
guess they reali dislike us...it was so disappointing on that day i
first met one of them...that day my mom told me to bring something
downstairs and pass to my father, and when i knew that one of my sis
was going out with him, i quickly told my brothers...they were so
eager to meet her that one of my bros stopped in the middle of
bathing, and quickly changed clothes...when we met her we were all
like "hi jie jie" (jie jie is chinese for older sister)...and she onli
smiled, but didnt say anything (the worst part was that she was
forcing a smile...i could see she was trying to hide sime sort of
anger...why is this system of life so evil...why cant i meet any of my
sisters and have a comversation...its like everything is so crapped up
until even the simplest of smiles cant even be shown to a stepbrother
who was so eager to met her...its juz so unfair...so wrong...

there is hatred in ppl all over the world...i think its bcoz some ppl cannot accept differences (sometimes even similarities), and they think by ignoring them can solve the problem... but i guess its not true...nowadays mani countries have waged wars juz bcoz they have different races/religion...ppl must learn to accept... this can also be applied personally...ppl try to ignore their weaknesses, and try to hide it...its not going to help...i guess this is another area where i think differently...i live with all my strengths and weaknesses...its a burden, but its the way i think and feel, but at least i my weaknesses, and can TRY to change...but tis is hard for me, juz as it is hard for every1..

If onli i could find more time again to take pictures like tis...

ppl seem to be more interested in the reality around them and their
frens...they nvr take time to start thinking about the world
around...none of them ever thinks about poor and hungry ppl...all over
the world are ppl suffering...why is everyone ignoring the harshness
of reality, why are they so unaware of everything...maybe thats y
nobody wans to think about life...everyone seems to wan to ignore the
unpleasant truth...if onli i can juz live like everyone else: so happy
in the reality they create around them...tis cant be wad life is about...

seeing other ppl in NUS high has shown me more sorts of ppl...its
getting more and more confusing...i cant seem to find time to think,
and it keeps me awake every night...my mother said that when ppl cant
sleep, it meant that they r stressed...and so she keeps asking me if
im stressed or not at school...i juz cant bring myself to tell her
about all this thinking and stuff...but i feel that something is
missing in this society...its like every1 is a piece of puzzle that
can somehow fit into society, and every1 belongs in a place...but i
feel im in the wrong place...and also its like theres something wrong
throughout this whole system...but i cant point out where this is...im
kinda like mapping out life, and its most probably impossible...but
theres this faint hope...like scientists can figure out the structure
of the Earth thru seismic waves even if they nvr got to see the
mantle, and others can figure out atoms so such details that its
impossible to think that the best picture of an atom is a bunch of
grey dots that are meant to be gold atoms...maybe i have the chance,
but then again, theres no way to experiment with life...theres no
second chance, and i have veri little experience...but im still gonna
find out wad i can...im looking for ppl to help me with
this...experience is not needed, i guess...but i juz need ur time...if
any1 is willing to help plz tell me...im reali hoping to have a chance
to see thru the different views of life...

eveyone around me seems so insensitive...or else im juz too sensitive...i juz don know which is which anymore...but they seem so caught up in their own problems to notice anyone else around them...maybe i juz care too much about others...i should be worrying about myself instead...but my problems always seem so insignificant...i cant tell the difference between truth and lies...Life deceives ppl...everything i trusted in had all been a lie...i juz cant tell...i hope theres some1 to help me...to walk by my side im this long journey of Life...

i don know...my life seems so wrong...it started bcoz i knew too much...since young i read alot, and it gave me insights on other ppl's lives...but eventually i figured out that my life was so different from others...the way i thought, the way i felt was not the way other ppl did (and i figured all this already around 8 years old, maybe younger...)...so i started to try to find out more about life...i didnt know it at first, but now i know how much problems it could get me into...i began to look at life with a different perspective...its too late to turn back already...damage has been done and i cant change my ways and thoughts...im juz so hopeless, i can juz try my best to find the system to life and society around us...onli then i might be able to change the state i am in...i juz wan to change everything in my life...i want to live like others, and not like this anymore...i juz cant live like this anymore...can anyone out there help me...can anyone
help me to map out this system of life? plz...i need help so much...

im so happy its finally goimg to be the weekends...i hope i can chat with someone, if not i would've rather spent it in school...school was reali scary in some ways...im so much of a paranoid, i wori about trying to fit in...and i was talking to another new student (same year as me)...and he was like saying he LIKED memorising the numbers of PI while in his other school...(i was so shocked, but theres more)...then he went on to say that he didnt know that memorising the first few (not reali few to me) numbers could get him POPULAR in the school...i was totally shocked (another student said that guy bothered to memorise about a hundred, so i hope u understand me)...when i heard that i was so i would not be able to fit in (ppl say i think too much, and i agree, but if knowing is half the battle won, then i can say i left mani battles half won...)...felt so nervous in school, and bcoz of the initiation ceremony of the school, i found myself leaving school
at (guess when?) close to 9PM...note im saying PM capitalised...im right now taking the train home (9:15pm now...) but when im able to post tisup it'll probably be tmr...followed 1 of my classmates to the MRT train, met one of his frens along the way, and reached there, finding out that both would've took the train going the other way (talk about feeling betrayed by ppl i dont know - come to think of it he was the person who made me end up as biology rep, and im scared of responsibilities - not that i hate it, but im juz scared i do something wrong, and i'll coz everyone trouble...im juz so scared) ...so lonely that i actually spoke to another student (total stranger) that was 2 years younger than me...dont kniw what i was doing i guess, but fortunately (for me) it turned out fine...actually right now imso happy to be out the tunnel (still in the train)...the train is going closer already, and im feeling so lonely (changed trains so im not with the
other girl - i actually got her contact number lolz)...juz gonna be happy to get home... and hopefully my mother will let me use the com tmr...coz i hope to have someone to talk to...(reached home later at 9:30pm - quite early considering i expected to reach home at 10pm) hope i can wori less, play more! whoo hoo for the weekends...plz try to be online (i'll chat if i get to be online), provided anyone reads tis on time (which, being more of a pessimist, i wont reali think its gonna happen...but being a pessimist is not what some ppl think, like looking at stuff badly...its more of not expecting good stuff to happen, which would bring more surprise when things do go right, but usually being a pessimist doesnt make me want to enjoy it when it does happen, so i sort of end up not veri happy -lolz -, but at least baf stuff wont hurt me so much haha...)...going to start thinking of other stuff already...but i think i'll go sleep first...i'll enjoy (at least
i'll try to) the weekends tmr (after my chinese tuition, that is)...yea um...good night

i think i have enough of everything already...its hard trying to fit in in this new school...1 hour bus ride juz to get to school is juz too much for me...hoping to find some ppl who i can fit in with but i always have trouble with that...partially bcoz everyone i met so far juz turned out to be weird ppl or something...i juz hoping for some relaxing time over the weekends, but its unlikely...my bros all getting to use the computer but apparently my mother have a problem with me using it...she's like "enough (playing) already" when i ask her fir permission to play...and i havent even seen the computer on...my bros got to play it while i spent my whole day in school, and my mother acts like i had been playing computer for the whole day already...i juz wan to spend some time meeting ppl i know for a change (its reali veri lonely for me in school - i look at a group of frens and i juz wish for some frens like that...and i wonder if i should have juz stayed
in my previous school...) things could have turned out differently i guess... but maybe theres a reason y things shpuld be this way...juz hoping i have a fren online to talk to tomorrow, so i wont feel so lonely...cant seem to find my frens from my old school...so i hope to be able to talk to my old frens tomorrow...that is if i can get online, otherwise, its gonna be a long weekend, and another longer week ahead...

i think i got it figured out...so tis isnt reali my blog...tis is more
of the life of the ppl around me, the feelings i see in them...so that
is another aspect of life - a network of diversity...but diversity is
about differences, and these differences is another cause of
chaos...ppl fighting about race and religion...ppl comparing status,
job, wealth and everything else...everything juz has to go tis way...i
guess thats the way of life

missing my frens from my old school...its like all the days of school
with them is juz a distant memory...waiting for time to forget...i
guess things juz have to change...