last evening, my mom was scolding my bro and i for juz playing a few
extra minutes neyond the time limit...she said a few time "ur father
is right, u take me for granted and if ur father is here u'l obey
immediately" and also "im fact everyday at most u should only play one
and a half hour"...i dont know who is right, who is wrong..,i end up
blaming myself for eveything...im so confused...every scolding seemed
like a personal attack, and everytime my emotions were hurt , a part
of my life is like being eaten away...im on the path of self-
destruction and i might juz lose entire meaning to life...im waiting
for a good leader to guide me thru and show me the turming point of my
life...(im not a good leader - there was no great leader in my life
for my role model. my father was bias to my second bro, my mom juz
turned to my father to punish us, i had no bigger brother or
sister...no example of a leader...) i have also been trying to
change...but it juz led to total chaos in my life...i didnt know which
part of me was the real me or not... i cant find myself in this maze
of life...i dont know if i should actually change or to stay as
myself...i am standing on unstable and unpredictable ground...im so
desperate...i juz feel like giving up on life...

others seem to have a good life...it seems to go by this way: for
others to be happy, one person has to suffer for the rest...Jesus
Christ suffer and died for everyone. a salmon has to sacrifice itself
during childbirth to ensure the continuation of the species...maybe im
juz one of the few who have to suffer...im waiting for answers to my
questions...my life has been full of lies and deception...

What is the truth?